PITA?

I have been a bad dog blogger. I don't know what is wrong with me. Perhaps my obssession with The Orange One's manuevers? No one can make me as mad as Orange Effer does! No one. He came by my sliding glass door, stopped, and lingered for a moment, and made eye contact with me before darting off. He is a brazen fool!

I am up to Stage 3 on the glucosamine joint tablets. I feel like they are helping me, but WHO makes cherry flavored anything for dogs? They taste like, ugh, I cannot stand them. Brad makes me eat them. Next bottle, he promises will be something more palatable, like liver, cow ass, or chicken lips, anything but cherry. Blech!

This morning, Julie said I was a PITA. Perfect, intelligent, talented, animal? Why thank you! Heh heh. Actually, I think she meant, well, I'll let you figure it out. She was up early for work, got called off, so she stayed up. I took advantage of the opportunity. I wanted outside. I barked like I saw satan in the backyard. I wanted inside. I barked at her for a treat. Then I wanted my water bowl refreshed, so I panted like I had just run a marathon, next I needed food. Let me outside again! I needed to poop. Barked for a treat when I was back inside. She ignored me. She got her toast and coffee and sat down. Well, I needed to poop again, so let me out! Barked at her for a treat, and, again, I was ignored and told to go lie down. When Julie tells me to do that, she has had enough!

At least I know my boundaries. Unlike certain orange felines around here.

Bow Chica Wow Wow!

There is an old man who walks the park numerous times a day. He wears a plaid cotton fedora, and looks like a cool cat. He was probably a surfer dude back in the day, hittin' the waves at Rincon, driving a woody, and dating a girl with a bushy bushy blonde hairdo.

How he ended up in the godforsaken central valley is completely beyond my imagination. Maybe he had a run-in with a shark? That is the only logical explanation. Nevertheless, he walks three different dogs around the park, one at a time, rain or shine, without fail. He walks each dog at least once...sometimes more. They are all red retrievers. There is one hot babe that he walks who carries a toy newspaper in her mouth the entire route. Bow chica wow wow!! I like her.

So when Brad tries to get out of our evening walks, I just give him "THE LOOK." The look that says, "Red dogs owner walks HIS 3 dogs TWO times a day and all I ask for is ONE time a day so get up off of that couch and take me for a walk before I make your life a living hell!"

Oh, and I will too. I will bark and pitch a fit, pant, scratch, turn in circles, scratch, pant, bark, bark, bark, and bark. I have my ways of getting my point across, and Brad knows it! He does.

Bawk, Bawk Black Effer

Brad has been running interference for me, and I am not so sure I appreciate it. Does he think I cannot handle effers on my own anymore? I can. I like to know who is sneaking around my house! How can I be effective otherwise? Brad just doesn't get it. Just because I have bad hips, doesn't mean I can't hop around like a prize fighter for 2.8 seconds! Wat, wat!! You wanna piece of 'dis effers??

Black and White Effer has been showing up more often than the Orange One. Makes me wonder, what is Orange Effer planning? Black and White Effer will sense my presence, or perhaps my vicious barking, and will freeze, stare like the slack-jaw he is, and then dart off, probably to tell Orange Effer what happened. Chicken...bawk, bawk! I always wait to see if he will run through the thorny rose bush, because that would make my day.

Tweet Tweet Orange One!

What is up with Twitter? I just don't get it. Why do humans think it is necessary to Tweet, when they are not birds? Here is my Tweet for the day:

ORANGE EFFER YOU HAVE POOPED IN MY YARD ONE TOO MANY TIMES!

I cannot explain to you the utter disrespect this cat has. If I poop on my walks, Brad or Julie scoop it up with something. If Orange Effer poops in my yard, there it stays until Brad or Julie pick it up. For the love of God, Brad and Julie should not have to do this, but I have to say, better them than me!

The Effer Anti-allegiance Party

FROM MY ANONYMOUS READER:

...and your current fearless leader Prez has a Portuguese Water Dog in the White House....probably an orange effer mole spy...he's setting up a new agency in the Department of Homeland Security: the CEA (Central Effer Agency), a top secret effer intelligence and covert action arm of the New World Effer Order...keep bringing us the Effer World News Report, the price of liberty is eternal effer vigilance.

MY RESPONSE:

You are right! I think I need to form a TEA Party! The Effer Anti-allegiance Party.

May No Effers Cross Your Path!

One thing is not going quite right with my morning routine. I am supposed to have COLD water in the morning, and neither Julie nor Brad have filled up my bowl with deliciously cold water from the big stainless steel box in the kitchen. I love my cold water in the morning like most people love their coffee. It just gets me reved-up to face the day fighting any effers who dare cross my yards, and if Julie has eggs for breakfast, and saves some for me, why that is like having an extra shot of espresso!

I hope you have a good day. May no effers cross your path, and IF they do, may you point it out to them in such a way they will think twice before they try it again!

Dull-Coated Un-magnificent Effer

You know, when the economy starts to threaten my ability to eat delicious foods, it is where I draw the line. I haven't had left-over pot roast, or a steak bone, in I don't know when, and I know Brad and Julie are not vegetarians. Tea Party, Obama, Donald Trump, Sarah Palin. Who is to blame for this horrific economy? Is it Bush's fault? No. It is not.

I'll tell you whose fault it is. One beast alone. Orange Effer. He loves to mess with my life, and if screwing up the credit rating of the greatest country in the world will accomplish his evil scheme, then so be it. His hatred knows no bounds. Why I saw him run out in front of the water delivery man, who was carrying two big jugs of water, in order to try to make him fall. That my friends, is hate.

Orange Effer is a big spending, smooth talking, Wall Street crashing, Credit-rating screwing, high taxing, dull-coated, un-magnificent effer. In the words of the oft mis-understood George W. Bush, "Orange Effer is the axis of evil. He is an evildoer." The 'merikan people need to wake up before it is too late!