Itching Like a Mofo

This is what my current dog food is like.

It is freaking gooooood!

Julie had to work Easter Sunday, and Brad, as usual, waits until the last morsel of my dog food is gone to go out and get me another bag. It is his job...and if I were in charge of giving him a raise, well he would get one this week!!! Whooo boy!

My typical, healthy for older dogs high priced dog food, tastes like a bean sprout salad compared to the cheeseburger and fries taste of the cheap dog food he got for me at the drug store. He also got me a can of wet dog food. It was a scrumptious culinary feast for me yesterday. One that I deserve for being such a shiny coated magnificent bastard.

However, this cheap food makes me itch like Mofo, so it is back to the boring bean sprout salad for me. It sucks to get old.

Fluffy Evilness

I was speechless the other day. Brad made the comment that we should get a bunny for the backyard. Both Julie and I looked at him like he had lost his ever-loving mind.

Could you just imagine what having a white effer like this hopping around in my backyard would do to my sanity?

I would sit by the glass doors for hours, staring out looking for the bunny. All the while he hides from me. Taunting me. Me knowing he knows I am looking for him, and him knowing he holds that power over me. Finally showing his rabbit face at my glass door and laughing at me while I try to lunge at him through the glass, but him knowing that I cannot break through it so he is safe to torture me with his effed up bunny powers.

Bunnies may look cute, but they are evil. Pure evil.

This is messed up.

What kind of crazy effer tortoise thinks he can chase a dog? I don't know what I would do if I encountered a tortoise in my backyard. Well, yes, I do. I would lose my shit. No tortoise is going to prance around in my backyard like he is the greatest thing since chewy meaty dog treats. I flip over a kitty in my yard. That is well proven. In fact, just this morning I was hot on the trail of one black effer. I almost had him.

Too bad I can't hop fences like those damn kitties.

I am feeling better now. My owners were thinking I was freaking Rocky Balboa. Three long walks in a row just about killed me. Now we do one lap around the park, and then they drop me off at home and continue on. That is A-Okay with me.

Wolf Balm

I thought I was badass, but this takes the cake. I tip my hat to this tough effer. Notice how his buddies are trying to get his attention as if to stop him, and he is like, "Hell no! This police car is my bitch!"
I am not feeling well. I am feeling old and have stiff muscles.

I need some Tiger Balm for dogs, but I bet they only make that stuff for damn tigers and kitties, who are bastards and do not deserve pain relief like dogs do! Dogs are a man's bestfriend! We deserve to have Wolf Balm or something.

Junk in the Trunk

Another crappy video for your viewing pleasure.

I am a dog. An old dog at that. I don't think Brad and Julie are going to pay to send me to film school. If they had that kind of money they would be on the first plane to somewhere exciting, and leaving me at home with grandma.

I tell you, I get no respect around here. Brad is continually threatening me with, "Howard, be good or I'll give you a bath," or "Howard, do you want a bath?"

What kind of stupid question is that?

Another thing, the whole family came over for dinner tonight. Meatloaf, baked potatoes, salad, and garlic bread. My sense of smell goes crazy with meatloaf. I bark. I cry. I whine. I make an imbecile of myself just to get a small chunk of meatloaf.

Those bastards didn't give me any.

You know what they said?

"You're too fat Howard. You need to lose weight."

Sonofabiscuiteater!

Here is a newsflash. I am OLD. I don't want to lose weight. I just want to be able to take my daily walks. Who cares if I have a little extra junk in my trunk? Who?

Don't answer that.

Whitey

So here is a video of me, Howard, on a walk with Brad and Julie this evening. I wanted proof of some of the crap that I have to put up with on my evening walks. This particular video is of one white effer we'll call "Whitey" who wanted to fight me.

Whitey wanted to fight me. Yes, he did, and I was in no mood.

As you can see from the video, I was NOT going to put up with his tactics. This is MY park that I HOWARD walk in EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I let old Whitey know in no uncertain terms that he could just back off.

You can hear Julie in the video saying, "How cute!" Another thing that just boils my blood. I am the cute one, NOT Whitey. Me! Dammit, me!!!

What do you think Brad would do if some hot looking stud muffin walked by and Julie drooled and commented on his hotness? I'll tell you what he would do, he would bark like a junkyard dog too.

As Good As I Once Was

Look at what an obedient little "shiny-coated magnificent bastard" I was!


Brad and Julie ran across this baby picture of me, and started getting all teary-eyed and maudlin on me.

On my walk today I was just pooped. Pooped I tell you! I was taking a leak and got a little unstable on my three legs ((cough)) and in the process toppled over and ended up on my back somehow. Not exactly sure how it happened, but maybe I am getting old. Naaawww! There must have been a slight hole there or something to trip me up.

Or perhaps I was just sore from the big fight yesterday.

In the words of the magnificent effer and country singer and song writer extraordinaire, Toby Kieth, "I ain't as good as I once was,
But I'm as good once as I ever was."