Home Alone

Now that the Effer drama is behind us for now, and forever I hope, we can focus on issues near and dear to mine own heart. Issue number one: Brad and Julie taking off on road trips without yours truly. What kind of crap is that I ask you?

Do they not think that I would love to go to Monterey by the Sea, and see things like this deer eating grass in someone's front yard?

Hells yes I would! I'm a travelin' pooch. I have logged miles and miles of roadway between Lake Havasu City, AZ, and Santa Barbara, CA, and then 4 cross country trips from California/Arizona to Iowa/Illinois/Wisconsin. I've got my road legs and know when to brace myself for when Brad rides up to a stop sign too fast and hits the breaks too hard, or when Julie is driving and turns the corner too sharp and practically puts the car up on two wheels. I know those jackballs well. I've studied them for years. They are my very life.

Now I'm old and don't travel as well as I used to, and have a harder time getting in and out of the car, but like I said, I would've loved to have gone to Monterey. If I would have seen those deers I would have lost my shiznit. I would have gone into a blind rage of barking non-stop until Brad or Julie finally pulled out the big guns and threatened me with a bath. You know how I love to stink.

Oh well, it is what it is. I get even by napping on the couch while they're gone. Until they get home I'll just be here on the couch listening for the garage door...

Yours truly,
Howdog the Stinkdog

The Effer Got Out and Drama Ensued

Yes, the drama escalated this week when the effer escaped his backyard paradise. I, Howard, say this with all the sarcasm intended, because evidently our City's Animal Control thinks that Effer had adequate living conditions. WTF? When did sitting and laying in your own poo become acceptable? Did this happen when Obama became president?

I digress.

So Effer escaped and Brad caught him in the park across the street. Nice, there is nothing more serene than a pit bull running loose amongst a park full of children. I must say that Effer is actually a pretty nice guy. He is friendly and full of the energy of a young pup.

Effer's owners are another story.

It killed Brad, but he took Effer back to his owners who were peeking through our fence looking for him like the bastards that they are. They even got in the car and drove around looking for Effer. Brad called a couple of rescue organizations who wouldn't touch Effer because Animal Control was involved. So after giving him some food and water, back he went to his bastard owners.

As Brad was handing Effer over, who happens to actually be named Deuce, Brad made a couple of comments about how thin Effer was and that if they didn't want him we'd be glad to find him a new home. Turns out Effer's owners think they are kind, compassionate dog owners who take good care of their dog. Denial is not just a river in Egypt folks.

Effer's tough guy owner comes around the corner to our house a few minutes later, puffing his chest out and hopping around like a damn Mexican jumping bean who wants to kick Brad's ass. I could not believe my eyes. Did this guy think he could mess with Brad in MY presence? Oh. Hell. No. I stepped in the middle of them, Julie is telling her mom to call the police, her mom runs to Brad's side trying to be a peace maker, which makes me doubly nervous, Julie is standing to the side and paralyzed with fear because her fight-or-flight mechanism had not kicked in yet. Was it broke? No! Soon she is telling the guy that she was the informant who called Animal Control, and I'm thinking how am I going to protect all three of these jackballs? None of us are used to ghetto-like neighbors wanting to kick our asses.

Finally Effer's mom comes flying around the corner like a drama queen, yelling at her husband, "Stop! Stop! He isn't worth it!" What is Brad doing? Acting like a damn tough guy himself, saying, "Hit me! Hit me! Go ahead! I dare you!!!" Oh geez...my job was getting more difficult by the second.

Brad didn't get hit, the situation fizzled out, but now we have neighbors who hate us. Brad and Julie think it was worth it if the dog is taken better care of. As you can see in the picture above, Effer has missed more than a few meals, but the City Animal Control thinks he is adequately fed. Dude...they haven't seen ME. I'm the well-fed one!

Stupid Neighbors

This is just wrong. Why do humans do this to the kindest animals on the planet? God did not make us man's best friend to treat us like this. Do these owners of this dog actually think they are doing him a favor with a plastic dog house?

LISTEN UP YOU EFFERS: WHY DO YOU HAVE THIS DOG? TO IGNORE AND FEED AND WATER ONLY WHEN IT OCCURS TO YOU?

Your dog cries during the day. Is it out of loneliness? Thirst? Hunger? I hope that you go to bed with a full stomach and have had fresh water to drink throughout the day, but as far as I'm concerned you do not deserve it. You should be the one behind bars, ignored, and watered and fed only at the whim of an irresponsible effer like yourself.

And your bratty little spawn of Satan who makes monster noises at this poor dog, tells him "Quiet! Go in your house!" when he whines? He should go to a new home as well. You should never have been allowed to breed. Now the world will have to deal with your offspring who already is just like your sorry ass.

My owners want to knock on your door and ask to take your dog off your hands, but you are such a selfish bastard that you will probably not allow this. They are afraid if they call the animal control people they will either just give you a warning, or take him and put him down because he is a pit bull. So they try to feed and water him through the fence, because you are too damn lazy and cruel to do it yourself.

Is there anyone in the internet world who reads this who can help us get a better life for this dog? Any ideas?

Good Lookin' Howard

Damn, I'm good looking!

King Howard

From my Most Loyal Reader: Howard, what's shaking, haven't heard from you in a while? How they hangin'?

Dear Most Loyal Reader,

First, let me say, I'm glad that you care. Second, they aren't hangin'. My owners had them snipped back in the day. In fact, they were so small at the time, the vet told them they basically dissolved. I can't believe I'm divulging this to the internets, but hell, I'm old and it doesn't matter.

I've been bad lately, and it feels great! The only thing that half-way keeps me in line is Brad or Julie threatening me with a bath. I like to stink. What can I say? I'm a stinkdog, and proud of it. It's how I keep my certain badness, and scare the little rat dogs on my walks. I want those pampered pooches to smell me before they see me.

The effer behind me got a new dog house, and Brad made it so that he cannot crawl under the fence anymore. I still growl at him through the fence. It's what I do. Brad feels sorry for him, because his owners are neglectful bastards who don't see to it that the poor guy, I mean effer, gets fresh water on a regular basis. Lately he has been crying through the fence, and it is this sad pitiful cry that tugs on even my heartstrings. Then I have to get up and bark at Brad to let him know to get out there and stick the hose through the fence to give him some water.

Julie says she wants to be me every night before she heads out the door to work. Who wouldn't want to be me I ask you? I live like a King.

Sincerely,
King Howard the First and Only

What Watching the News Does to Me

I, Howard, am sick I tell you, sick, of hearing about the rotten economy and the stupids that are running this country.