Close Call

I haven't been in the blogging mood, in case you did not notice, but when Julie told me she almost ran over the Orange Effer when he darted out in traffic on a major street near our neighborhood, well I just need to get some things off my chest:

1. "Almost": How do you almost run over the Orange One? Either you do, or you don't, and if you didn't then you should have.
2. Only evil effers like the Orange One can defy death as many times as he has. He is far, far beyond his allotted 9 lives!
3. How is it that the Orange One can get so far from his home, on his own? Why don't his owners put a leash on him and take him for a walk like mine and every other dog respecting individual does?
4. Does the Orange One get more treats in a day than I do? Because IF HE DOES I AM NOT HAPPY!!!

I will do anything to get more treats. I have Brad and Julie pretty well trained on my treat schedule, but every once in awhile they get all upitty and high and mighty about me needing to lay off the treats. I am old. Really old. I will be 14 years old soon, and that is old in dog years, so I should get whatever treats I demand because realistically I do not have much time left to enjoy treats!

Effer Tracking System

Brad had to keep me out of the house for an hour after the BUG MAN EFFER sprayed the inside of our house for the insane ANT EFFERS. I tell you, so many effers, so little time. I am getting too many effers in my life to keep track of. I need an effer tracking system or something.

Anyway, the Big Red Dog that walks around the park has started to look a little too cocky. I can't have that. It is complete bull. No one steals my thunder and gets away with it. Since my congestive heart failure kicks in from time-to-time, Brad had to stop for me to have a break during our walk today. Well, on one of those breaks, Big Red Dog trots by like "Hey, hey, hey, look at me, I am young and virile and full of energy, I own this park." Boiled my blood. I mustered up all of the energy I had, and let that bastard have it when he walked by. Scared him to death. He didn't think this old dog had it in him, but I did, oh yes, I did. Big Red Dog had to find himself a little spot to pee afterward, just like an over-excited cocker spaniel.

The Bugman Effer

As of today, I have a new effer in my life: meet The Bugman Effer. He is an old man, just like me. I kind of like him. I can tell a good man when I meet one. Still, in all, I can't let my guard down. For now, he is The Bugman Effer, and when he comes to spray our house with his hostile chemicals, I will bark my fool head off like he is the Orange Effer Himself!

Our kitchen was overrun with ants. The ants even got in my dog bowl, which is unacceptable. How am I supposed to keep my nutrition up? At this point in my life, I need all of the help I can get to stay in shape to fight off the Orange One.

I like to get treats when I go outside and come back in. I do my business, kick my back legs up, and run back into the house and head straight for the pantry cabinet. Now that the air is colder outside, I thought I had an excellent idea to get my treats without having to get cold. Stick my nose out the door, turn around, and head straight to the pantry. Great idea in my book! Not so much in Brad's. He hasn't fallen for it yet, but I am still working on him. He isn't as easy to train as he used to be.

Chief Executive Effer

"....what if the orange effer was standing right next to the water delivery effer and then the rat dog next door strolled up? all 3 at the same time!!..." ~Anonymous

That right there is the stuff nightmares are made of. Whew. My heart is racing like a fat boy at a five minute all you can eat buffet!

I think I'd have to start with the Orange Effer, because he was probably the one who would arrange such a posse to torment me with. In fact, I am not certain, but I think Orange Effer might be the Chief Executive Effer for the water delivery company. I may have even seen a little orange cat logo on the delivery man's shirt and hat, and that my friend is no hallucination! That is the power of the Orange Effer.

Various Effers

The water delivery effer is coming tomorrow. I can just feel it in my bones, and I will be so ready for him. He probably thinks I am one ferocious dog. Heh heh. Last time he walked away, I swear I saw a brown spot on his shorts.

Orange Effer dared to show his ugly orange face yesterday. That cat is pitiful. He walked right up to the far side of my sliding glass door, waited, waited, and then dashed to the other side like a frightened little fluff ball instead of the evildoer that he really is. I tell you, Orange Effer will NOT be the death of me. Oh he tries, he really, really tries, but, I, Howard, am in control of this battle.

Speaking of battles, the little rat dog next door had his shock collar removed and it is on like Donkey Kong! I fought through the fence this afternoon like the ear blowin'-out good old days. What do I care if I blow out another ear? I'm old...ears are a bonus at my age.

Julie got a new Oreck vacuum cleaner. It is red. I take it as a challenge...it is the red cape, and I am the bull. Oh yes. I will conquer the Red Effer.

Blue Damn Effer

Let me just get something straight here. I don't like that picture either! It is sort of a train wreck if you will. I don't want to look at it. It is disturbing on so many levels, but I can't NOT look at it. Then I just shudder. I am not losing my mind, and I don't need doggie dementia meds yet! But I respect your opinion, my loyal reader, and not to worry, I am not losing my hard edge.

I was just outside, and it is damn cold and foggy. So foggy that I had a hard time with my Orange Effer Radar, but I know he is lurking out there. He has ice running through his veins, so icy is his blood that the cold does not effect him in the least! That is why his fur is a warm color, like Orange, and I bet it is the only thing that keeps that effer alive. Otherwise, he would be the Blue Damn Effer!

Julie saw him darting around the park amongst the children. I don't know, I think those kids were safer when those pitbulls were running around wild and free. I have seen Orange Effers fangs. They are nasty.

I am glad Thanksgiving is over. Those delicious smells that tempt me, and I cannot partake in, damn near do me in. It is getting harder and harder, and Brad and Julie are all, "No Howard, you are too fat already!"

Orange Effer probably gets in my garbage cans and gets to feast off of all the deliciousness that I cannot have. Why that thought gives me indigestion!!!

I'm Back!

You can better believe that this fluffy effer did not kiss me, because she would not have liked my smooch!!!

I am still alive. Brad likes to hijack my website with guest posts for a buck. I don't believe in it, but I am just a dog. I think it is tacky, and Julie agrees with me. Sometimes we just humor him. Brad is pretty good about getting my walks in, so I will allow an occasional indiscretion. As long as some of that money goes toward buying more treats for me...

Orange Effer is still flaunting his evil ways. He comes by these days around 5 a.m. I don't understand why he chooses such a terrible hour, but then again it does not surprise me. I still bark like the devil is at the door, because, well, his representative here on earth is.

I am falling a lot these days, and it is really hard for me to get up, especially when I am on the tile. My hearing is diminshed, but my sense of sight and smell is going strong. Getting old isn't easy, but I'm still enjoying life enough to give the neighborhood effers hell! And the occasional delivery man. Heh heh!