Calico Effer

I met a new effer today. Allow me to introduce you to Calico Effer. I need to get a picture of him, but Calico Effer is new to the neighborhood, and received the baptism of the Church of Howard of Latter Day Pooches this morning. I scared the devil out of Calico Effer when he was prancing across my fence like one Black Effer used to do. See the picture above.

Calico Effer doesn't seem to have the balls that Orange Effer does, so therefore is not a challenge for me. I do like a good challenge. Especially at 5 a.m. when all the neighbors are sound asleep and my ear piercing bark slices through the thick dark air like a tornado warning siren. Heh. It serves right, the bastard dog owners who live around me and don't take good care of their pooches. I hope it wakes them up and sets their day off to a rip roaring good start!

Anywho, unlike Orange Effer who will hiss and put up a good fight, Calico Effer got lost real quick like. I didn't get that good of a look at him, but what I did see was pure evil catness. You read me right, pure evil catness. Pure. Evil. Catness. Is there anything worse? I don't even think the Al Queda Effers are as bad as cats. Uh...maybe I'll have to rethink that, but cats rank up there.

Code Orange

That damn baby effer likes to throw shhh...stuff at me. It really kind of gets under my fur that he thinks he can come into this house and take charge. I have news for you baby effer, this is Howard's kingdom. That being said, I have been growing more fond of him. Julie caught me napping in front of his crib while he chirped and played, so my tuff dog cover has been exposed. I watch over him while he plays, just to make sure he doesn't hurt himself. King Howard has a job to do, you know, and I would not be a good king, or dog, if one of my humans hurt themselves. I am not a complete bastard.

Orange Effer has been out and about. He is a man about the town, and he is getting on my last damn nerve. I see him, I hear him lurking, and I smell his Orange Effer stench. To this day I still have not bared my teeth at him. Oh...I will. You know I will. It is just a matter of time until I scare all of the orange off of him. Then it will be a code orange by golly, because Orange Effer will need CPR and a shot of epinephrine to restart his cold orange heart.

Code Brown

A picture from a few years ago. I have always loved the trash can.

Well, well, well. I am just about sick and tired of the shhh...sugar I have to put up with around here. Now in the mornings I have noted a new routine. Baby effer cries...Brad or Julie get up and change his diaper while I have to hold my bladder until they are done.

Sonofabiscuiteater! I have a geriatric bladder. I told Brad this morning, and believe me, I did not mince words, that I MUST be first priority with morning toileting duties. Is that too much to ask? The baby effer is wearing a diaper! Would they rather clean my pee off of the carpet? Or worse yet? A code brown, as Julie calls it in the hospital.

I better not push the issue too hard, or they will start putting a diaper on me! Orange Effer would have a hayday with that!

Effers of Fire!

I think Orange Effer has a baby. I met baby Orange Effer in the park tonight. Well, let me say it was not a formal "How do you do" meeting, but a "I'm gonna get you effer if you don't run" meeting. Do you expect any less from me? Heh.

I was on a leash, and Brad humored me a little and we ran after baby Orange Effer. You should have seen it. A tall thin white guy and a fat, old black dog running through the grassy park like the Chariots of Fire after one baby Orange Effer. I think I surprised myself, and Brad too, at how fast I was. I know I surprised that damn baby Orange Effer! He did not expect portly old me to run like the wind was under my tail!

The young baby kitty got away. Brad and I are not as young as we used to be. That's for sure! I'm going to have to go get some of those glucosamine tablets that my most favorite (and only) reader of this blog recommended. I don't know who you are pal, but I sure like your comments!

The other baby effer of the human variety likes to imitate me drinking out of my bowl. I am wondering, is he mocking me? That baby chirps around here like he is a damn parakeet, and carries on like you would not believe. Oh well, Brad has cut back on my food and snacks a little, but baby effer keeps slipping me an extra ravioli or two from his high chair.

Medicine for the Soul

This is the kind of crap that gets pulled on me these days. Apparently I am not "trustworthy" enough to be around the baby effer.


My left back leg is hurting mighty bad tonight. It started after my evening walk. Let me put it into perspective. It did not keep me from putting the smack down on Oreck when Julie vacuumed, but it did keep me from caring when Duece Jr. wanted to fight. I have to pick my battles in times like these. Oreck I can handle. Duece Jr. is a bit much. She is a brick house! Too much for this old man sometimes.

Brad always does something for me when I am hurting or acting like I do not feel well. He gets a bottle of "medicine" (it could be a bottle of white out or super glue) and acts like he is putting it all over me. I know he is full of crap, although he thinks he has me convinced, but it is his healing touch that matters. He doesn't even take the damn cap off the bottle. I Howard am no fool!

Baby boy has been trying to work his way onto my good side. He has learned that if he throws food on the floor, I come over and lick it up. Not a bad arrangement, but he better not take my Brad from me!

I Smell an Effer at My Door

I smell an Effer at my front door!

Why yes! There is an EFFER AT MY DOOR who is KNOCKING and RUNNING!!!

Damn UPS Effer!

I overheard Julie telling Brad that she saw Orange Effer in the backyard chasing lizards. She said he was making a lot of noise doing it and was surprised that I did not hear him and go bezerk.

The truth is, I did hear Orange Effer. I heard him, smelled him, and controlled myself. I want Orange Effer to think the coast is clear, and then rip him a new one when he is not expecting it. Is that good strategy or what?

Yes. It is.

Volleycat with Orange Effer

Dammit Brad! Take the baby back.

Yes, the baby still lives here. He eats and poops more than I do. Brad and Julie had it made when it was just the three of us. That baby likes to try to come be my buddy, but I will not have it.

It is bad enough that I have to share my walks with the baby effer.

Still no Orange Effer sightings. I have been wracking my brain wondering what has happened to that damn bastard. This morning at 4 a.m. when Deuce Jr. was barking and body slamming the fence, I got excited. My heart was racing and my veins were bulging with the excitement that quite possibly Orange Effer was sitting on the fence tormenting Deuce Jr. My mind raced with the possibilities. Deuce Jr. and I playing volleycat over the fence sounded mighty damn fun.

That was all squashed when Julie hissed at me and threatened my life if I barked and waked up the baby effer.

It was too good to be true anyway. Julie let me out and there was nothing out there. Just Deuce Jr. being her typical psychotic self. I would have started fighting through the fence with Jr. but Julie was threatening me with the water hose if I did. I hate the water hose.

Baby Effer

Various Effers at the Petting Zoo

Pumpkin Patch - Half Moon Bay, California

My day was pretty uneventful, but the little pumpkin got to go to the pumkin patch. It is just as well. He has a walker now, and drives that thing like it is a German tank. He rolls over carpet, toys, me, and takes no prisoners. I am beginning to think he is an effer. A baby effer, but an effer no less.


Brad and I stayed home. Brad had to work most of the day, but took me on a walk when he got home. I fell on my walk. Apparently I am a fall risk. Julie says if I were her patient she'd put a bed alarm on me so that I wouldn't get out of bed by myself. Whatever. It sucks to get old. It sucks to get old and have a baby effer chasing you around in a walker. Thank God Brad and Julie try to keep baby effer away from me as much as possible.

First Words

Brad took the baby and me for a walk together last night. Julie was at a meeting. Let me just say, Brad is not too coordinated, and it was a scene at first. Admittedly, I did not make things easy for him, but what am I to do when a little rat dog is trying to one up me and a kid on a skateboard whizzes by simultaneously? I will be the first to admit that I do not hold myself together well in the face of triggers like these. I lose all composure and act like a complete bastard. I cannot help myself.

I was thinking today. That baby's first words are going to be, "Howard, NO! Howard go lay down! Howard be nice to the baby!" I wish I could teach that baby a few words, because if I could he would say, "Daddy, go get Howard a treat out of the cupboard immediately! Mommy, let Howard outside to get that Orange Effer!" Something useful.

I have to admit, I do enjoy it when that baby cries at 3 a.m. and Julie and Brad have to get out of bed to investigate the situation. Sweet justice is what I am talking about!

I need a vacation to Monterey. I deserve a vacation after all of the BS I have been putting up with lately. Maybe Orange Effer got to go to Monterey, and I will see him on the beach?

Update From Romper Room

Just an update from Romper Room. We have a 12 month old little boy now. I like this kid and am actually behaving myself. Somewhat. He was pretty traumatized when he got here, it broke even my hard heart. If I have to share Brad, at least it is with this cute little guy.

Duece Junior is one crazy maniac. She is getting aggressive, and I don't even go near the fence when she is there. One of these days she WILL come through the fence. It shakes like the big one is coming when she throws herself against it. I bark at her from afar...just to let her know I am still boss of this backyard. She has not dug into my backyard again.

Orange Effer has not been around lately. I miss him when he is gone. He keeps me entertained. Point blank, Orange Effer gives my life purpose, but at least I have this new little fella to keep my eyes on. He may have pooped his pants, so I am strongly encouraging Julie to get off of here and check him. If you know what I mean.