State of the Union

Here in the United Kingdom of Howard, we don't need to worry about unemployment, spending, deficits, and so on. No, no my friend! We have other issues to worry about. Operation Backyard Storm is on a stand still for a couple of days. I need to re-strategize in the absence of Deuce Jr. Junior may have been a thorn in my side, but he lived outside 24/7, and he helped alert me to Orange Effer's deadly game of taunting and torture.

P.S. I think Deuce Jr. was arrested. The police were in front of his house, and lights were flashing after his romp in the park last night. At least he'll get "3 eats and sheets" for now.

Special Ops

Operation Backyard Storm has moved out into the park. A terrorist cell created by the known and feared Deuce Jr. was frolicking in the park amongst the children, scaring adults and babies alike. I, Howard, had to put a stop to such covert activities. All the training I have been doing with Oreck finally paid off. Brad backed me up by calling in Animal Control, but I kept the situation stable until they got here.

Operation Backyard Storm

Lately the cats have been craping in my backyard flower beds. I go out there and sniff around and quite honestly it chaps my hide. My kingdom is not to be crapped on by a bunch of effers! I will not have it and plan to initiate Operation Backyard Storm. Orange Effer + Calico Effer = Osama Bin Laden + Saddam Hussein.

Toby Keith better write a song about this one.

Before I get started, however, I need a nap!

Orange Deliciousness

Happy New Year. Damn neighbors need to take down their Christmas lights. It is getting past the "acceptable" period to leave lights up. I bet Douce Jr.'s family will leave their Christmas decor up all year. They seem like the type. Lazy and unkempt.

Do you know what else they are? Orange. Effer. Interlopers. I say this, because I was riding in the car past Douce Jr.'s house and lo and behold but who should be sitting on the front porch like only a porch kitty could, but Orange "the damn kitty" Effer! I about lost my mind with blind hot rage. Brad had to threaten me with a bath to pull me out of my madness. It was nearly a scene as I attempted to jump out the window at 30 mph!

I would have too. When I saw that orange furry tail scamper away, I had a sudden craving for cheetos, oranges, and carrots. Anything orange sounded mighty delicious to me.

Cartoon Dog

Effers are driving me crazy around here. I sometimes think I am hallucinating and seeing effers when they aren't really there! You want to know why I think this is happening to me? I'll tell you. Cabin fever. It has been raining like an Orange Effer peeing on a fence top, and I have not been getting my walks. I bet that damn Orange Effer has been doing rain dances just to make me mad and frick with my routine!

We're watching "Olivia" which is a cartoon about a pig. Pardon me whilst I roll my eyes back into my head. Who wants to watch a cartoon about a pig named Olivia? I think a cartoon about a dog, for instance, a dog named Howard, would be much more enriching for young toddlers. It could include a nemesis, for instance, an orange cat named Orange Effer, that would teach the little ones how to settle differences and put effers in their place. Brad thinks the idea is a bit ridiculous, but I think that is just what the kids of today need to learn.

All of the cartoon dogs I can think of are just too soft or stupid. Howard the cartoon dog would be tough, highly intelligent, and shiney-coated and magnificent!

Very Important Pooch

Dearest Reader of Mine,

I apologize that I have not been updating my dog blog lately. I am at the mercy of a couple of humans to do my typing for me, and they have their heads up their, ahem, excuse me. They are busy.

I don't know what has happened to Orange Effer since the photo shoot in the park. Apparently word must have gotten out that I am hot on his trail. He knows he over-stepped his boundaries with me. He knows...and is scared like the little Orange Effer he is.

Christmas is coming and I hope Orange Effer gets a lump of coal in his stocking. I bet Orange Effer does have a little stocking on some mantle in some idiot's house. Probably some dog hating person. Probably his owner is the UPS Effer, or maybe the FedEx Effer, or the Water Effer. Maybe all of those Effers live together in their own little Effer Family. "Hi, We're the Effers!"

Well, I'll be updating again soon. Not to worry. I am sure this coming year will bring plenty of blogging opportunities.

Sincerely,
Howard, Shiny-Coated Magnificent Bastard
VIP (Very Important Pooch)

Orange Effer, Mall Cop

I just grab the SD card...
pick it up with my mouth...
stick it between my toes and pop it in the card reader.

That, my friend, is how I do my blog posts. I highly doubt Orange Effer could do a blog. He doesn't have the wits that it takes. You never hear about bomb sniffing Orange Effers, do you?

No, you don't.

I could get a job with Homeland Security, and do a better job than they are doing by the way, but Orange Effer couldn't even get a job as a mall cop.

I'm bad, I'm bad, I'm really really bad!

Oh, wait, maybe I shouldn't be singing like Michael Jackson. Not very tough. I am a mean, shiny-coated, magnificent bastard. I eat thunder and crap lightning!