Little Princesa

A baby Sand-dollar is okay to bring home; a baby human is not.

The baby is gone. My prayers were answered. Friends of the mom wanted her. Brad and Julie are sad. I am not. I am quite relieved and not ashamed to be thankyouverymuch! That baby wore me out, and took years off of my life. Plus she used to make this "Schht, schht!" sound at me like she was that effer the dog whisperer. I don't think so little princesa!!!

I am 12 years old. Brad and Julie cannot be pulling crap like this on me, but I have a feeling they will again. I hope to have a reprieve though.

Yesterday they went off and left me for Monterey. They thought they could escape the valley heat, but no no no...it was hot over in Carmel/Monterey too. Humph! Serves them right for leaving me at home. I like the beach. I just don't tolerate the car ride over there like I used to. It sucks to get old.

Not to worry...I will be done punishing Brad and Julie soon.

The Baby Must Go

You would not BELIEVE what my masters have done NOW. They are foster parents. Foster parents to (their words) the most adorable toddler ever with soft curls and big brown eyes. She is 17 months old and the bane of my existence.

My kingdom has come crashing down around me. This must what be what it felt like for Julius Caesar when Rome fell...or whomever was king then. I'm a dog. What do I know? Not much about world history, I'll tell you that much.

My living hell started last Thursday, and it has not gotten any better. I don't like that sweet little cherub at all. She has usurped my power and authority and taken most of the attention away that I have enjoyed for the last 12 years of my life.

Julie talks to her in a sing song-y voice all the time. Brad plays with her. He plays games with her and tosses her in the air and makes me not only jealous but a nervous damn wreck. I mean, what if he throws his back out?

You thought I'd be nervous about the baby?

No, no, no.

The baby needs to go.

I am up to two walks a day now. Sometimes I go into Cujo mode and must be put in the bedroom or outside by myself. It sucks. I am a mess right now. Julie and Brad are nice people, but this is extreme. They are out of their ever loving minds. I thought cats were bad, but babies are worse. Way worse.

SIDE NOTE: I spotted Orange Effer in the park last night. I thought that effer was dead. No such luck.

Sir Barks a Shock

The water man came by again. I can't handle that effer. He knocks and runs every single time.

Junior is about ready to knock over the fence. Poor Junior. She runs and jumps up on the fence, and knocks and bangs around in her backyard like damn bull. Junior is bored, and Junior is often bored at 2 and 3 a.m. It wakes me up and ticks me off! Then I have to bark and then Brad and Julie wake up and they get ticked at me. It is a vicious cycle these days. It is worse than when Orange Effer used to prance around at all hours.

Speaking of Orange Effer...I have not seen his evil face in quite some time. He must have learned not to mess with me. Good.

Sir Barks a Lot, is now Sir Barks a Shock. I have not heard even ONE peep out of him. He doesn't even try to fight me through the fence anymore. This is a travesty! They have squashed his spirit!!! I fear for my neighbor friends. What kind of people get dogs and just throw them out in the backyard? I would tell you, but it would not be politically correct.

Julie is recovering well from her surgery. Brad has not had any further fainting spells. That is good too, because I do not know how to do a code blue. All I can do is bark and lick and worry. What do they call that? A code Lassie?

Julie was reminding Brad of a funny story about me when I was a puppy. I was born during the hot months in Arizona, and when I would come in from doing my business outside. I would put my front paws in my water bowl and splash them around. Smart little bastard I was even back then! Just looking for a way to cool my paws, or puppy paddies, as Brad calls them.

Old Spirituals

I have a problem. Every single night of the week, I lose my manners and toss my doggy school education out the door. I practically throw myself on the floor and cry and pitch a hissy fit like you can not imagine.

I cry.

I whine.

I pant.

I itch.

I beg.

I bite.

I lick.

I bark.

Rinse, lather, repeat!

And Julie has taken to singing old spirituals to me, like this one:

Nobody knows the trouble that I've seen
Nobody knows my, my sorrow
Nobody knows the trouble that I've seen
Glory hall- glory hallelujiah!

Big Dog

What the fudge is going on in this world? THIS is how I found Junior in my backyard AGAIN. Look at Junior all kicked back in the shade of my flowers...probably pretending to be ME! Now Brad is mad, because Junior came dangerously close to his precious pumpkin he is trying to grow. Before that he was all, "Be nice Howard!"

Thanks Brad.

Something else that has me bothered. Someone knocks on my door, I bark. Simple as that. Brad opens the door, and the effer standing there says, "Wow! That is a big dog!!!" I like to be intimidating, and I know my ferocious presence has something to do with them thinking I am big, but I am not huge for heaven's sake! They make me out to be some gargantuan bull-mastiff or St. Bernard. I am only 86 pounds for crying out loud! I'm just a little feller compared to some, but now I feel all self-conscious about my size.

You know what it is? I will tell you what it is. Since moving to California I have never seen so many damn chihuahuas, wiener dogs, and shih tzus. No wonder these people think I am huge!

Nubz

You know I love my treats! I could not live without them, and a great portion of my day is spent thinking of ways to get more treats. I need more treats, especially treats like Nubz. Delicious? Yes. Good for me? Yes. Help my breath? Yes! Brad and Julie should be handing these to me right and left!!!

Here is the product description:

Dogs love Nubz Dental Treats! Made of highly digestible natural ingredients, vet-recommended Nubz treats help clean dogs’ teeth, promote fresh breath and healthy gums, and reduce tartar. Made in the USA, Nubz are made with real chicken, with no added sugar, salt, or preservatives.

Did you see that? Made in the USA? Even more reason for them to give me Nubz treats! I'm an American dog, and I favor treats made by Americans.

Product Features:

• Natural

• Made in USA

• Helps clean teeth, freshens breath, and reduce plaque and tartar build-up

• Highly digestible

• Made with Real Chicken

• No added sugar, salt, plastic, or preservatives

• 18 Large size bones can break into 36 smaller treats; ideal snack size

• Gluten-free formula

• DOGS LOVE THEM...and so does HOWARD!

Where to find:

• Costco monthly coupon book (Costco members)

• Coupon value is $3.50 (GREAT price!)

• Valid August 19^th – September 12^th (Hurry while supplies last!)

Go get your pooch some of these treats!

Meet Deuce, Junior

Sucks to be you Junior!


What do you make of this scene? I'll tell you what I make of it! Hogwash!!! A bunch of hogwash! Here is the story:

The old Deuce dug himself out to the free world, from his hellish existence, and who knows what happened to him? A pitbull running loose doesn't really stand much of a chance. Sad, but true.

So what do the effers who live behind us do? They bring in another Deuce.

Meet Deuce, Jr.

It did not take Junior long to find out that my backyard, and my life, is paradise. Junior wants a piece of the pie! So he dug a hole to my backyard, and I swear I could hear him singing the "Jefferson's" theme song as he dug each hole. So far three holes to be exact.

Don't get me wrong, I do feel sorry for the guy, but not to the point I'm gonna let him hone in on my life, my territory, my piece of paradise! No way Jose, I mean Junior!