Cash For Keys - The Deuce Family Leaves

I have had a pretty good day today. It is very hard to get up, but once I am up, I'm up. I even ate two bowls of dog food today, and some of Julie's scrambled eggs this morning. Now, I am dictating this to Julie from the cold tile floor that Brad hates for me to lie down on. He hates it, because it is even harder for me to get up and he has to help me, and then I growl at him because, well, it is just what I do. It is like a scene from a Mexican Telenova really.

Anyway, my plan is to convince Julie that the eggs made all the difference in the world!!! So maybe I will get them everyday!!!

Orange Effer isn't going to be leaving. Sir-Barks-A-Lot next door lets me know what's up. Sir-Barks-A-Lot is as annoying as hell, but I've started making use of him to my benefit. I even thank him every now and then by pretending I am gonna fight him through the fence again. Really gets him pumped up and makes him feel tough, even though he is not. Sir-Barks-A-Lot is a lonely little feller.

The petrified poop forest from Deuce's house is cleaned up. The house was foreclosed on and the owners got cash for keys. Good riddance Deuce Family...you were never good enough for the Deuce anyway.

For Sare Bear

I am not doing so well. My back legs are really giving out, and all I want to eat are my treats. However, if Orange Effer crosses my path, I can still give him my best Chuck Norris effort. I have to say, I have been a fighter all of my life and that isn't going to change just because my old back legs don't work!

About two months ago my best dog friend ever, Sare Bear, passed over The Rainbow Bridge. She was as sweet and gentle as I am old and curmudgeonly. We met when she was two years old and I was about 3 months old. She drooled when she saw me, and really, who can blame her? I was so doggone cute and she would have been a good mama. She was the only dog who could ever put me in my place. I miss her and know that someday I will join her and we can play again like the pups we used to be not so very long ago. I can cross that bridge myself, knowing that she will be there to greet me.

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

For now, I take it one day at a time, but I have been wanting to put this poem on my blog in tribute to my beautiful friend, Sare Bear.

Train or Treat, Smell Orange Effer's Feet, Give Me Something Good to Eat!

Look! I found a picture of the Orange Effer Attacking a younger version of me! That Effer is trying to intimidate me via the Internets!!

Do you think it is unreasonable of me to demand treats when I go outside and come back in? I really don't think it is. In fact, sometimes I will just stick my nose out the door, turn around, and head straight for the treat pantry. Is that so wrong? I see nothing wrong with it, and if anything it just points to my ingeniousness.

Brad and Julie think they have ME trained, but I think I have THEM trained even better. Oh yeah!!! Bring on the treats.

I bet Orange Effer doesn't have his people trained, sorry effer that he is.

Orange Effer No More!

Julie has been very lackadaisical about updating my blog, and she knows I am at her mercy. I do not have thumbs and fingers that move so effortlessly across the keyboard, but doggone it if I did you would have lots of posts on here. Granted, many of them would be angry and harsh in nature, and might sound like the mind of a man holed up in a standoff against effers, mainly the Orange Effer, but I have my soft side too.

Orange Effers owners are moving. Do you remember The Duece? Well, I recently put two-and-two together and figured out that they also own The Orange Damn Effer. It figures such a rough family would own one evil cat as evil as Orange Effer. Mr. Duece came after Brad like a street fighter, and I literally lost control of my bladder when it happened, but not my bowels. They were fine.

I am not so sure the Orange Effer will be moving with his family. I think in his mind, he is thinking he can stick around here and still torment my daily existence. It will not happen. Oh no. It will not! I have a plan. Orange Effer, if you are reading this, I suggest you crawl back into that hole you hide out in.

3 Amigos and 1 Orange Effer

I don't know what just happened around here, but yesterday was a living hell. Furniture was moved all around, and 3 amigos were in and out of my house all day long. They ripped up my floor and rolled out new floor. WHO does this crazy stuff? I was exhausted trying to keep tabs on the strange men. EXHAUSTED! I couldn't even walk by the end of the day. No joke! Brad and Julie cannot keep pulling stuff like this on me.

For a minute there, I thought we were moving. I don't like to move. I am too damn old, and I don't want Orange Effer thinking he bullied me out of my own home. Speaking of the Orange Effer, I think HE might be moving.

What will I do without The Orange One? He infuriates me to no end, but he also makes my life exciting and adventurous. I don't think you understand what a thrill I get when I see that effer dart across my yard like orange lightning. I get all charged up and feel so young and invigorated!

Don't tell him I wrote this. I don't want his big head to explode and spill orange effervescence everywhere.

Close Call

I haven't been in the blogging mood, in case you did not notice, but when Julie told me she almost ran over the Orange Effer when he darted out in traffic on a major street near our neighborhood, well I just need to get some things off my chest:

1. "Almost": How do you almost run over the Orange One? Either you do, or you don't, and if you didn't then you should have.
2. Only evil effers like the Orange One can defy death as many times as he has. He is far, far beyond his allotted 9 lives!
3. How is it that the Orange One can get so far from his home, on his own? Why don't his owners put a leash on him and take him for a walk like mine and every other dog respecting individual does?
4. Does the Orange One get more treats in a day than I do? Because IF HE DOES I AM NOT HAPPY!!!

I will do anything to get more treats. I have Brad and Julie pretty well trained on my treat schedule, but every once in awhile they get all upitty and high and mighty about me needing to lay off the treats. I am old. Really old. I will be 14 years old soon, and that is old in dog years, so I should get whatever treats I demand because realistically I do not have much time left to enjoy treats!

Effer Tracking System

Brad had to keep me out of the house for an hour after the BUG MAN EFFER sprayed the inside of our house for the insane ANT EFFERS. I tell you, so many effers, so little time. I am getting too many effers in my life to keep track of. I need an effer tracking system or something.

Anyway, the Big Red Dog that walks around the park has started to look a little too cocky. I can't have that. It is complete bull. No one steals my thunder and gets away with it. Since my congestive heart failure kicks in from time-to-time, Brad had to stop for me to have a break during our walk today. Well, on one of those breaks, Big Red Dog trots by like "Hey, hey, hey, look at me, I am young and virile and full of energy, I own this park." Boiled my blood. I mustered up all of the energy I had, and let that bastard have it when he walked by. Scared him to death. He didn't think this old dog had it in him, but I did, oh yes, I did. Big Red Dog had to find himself a little spot to pee afterward, just like an over-excited cocker spaniel.