All Night Long!

I would like to dedicate this song to Lord Barskalot, because he can bark like Lionel Richie, All Night Long!

Da Da, ooooh
Well, my neighbors, the time has come
(To) raise the roof and have some fun
Throw away the peace and quiet to be had
Let the barking go on....(Bark on, bark on, bark on..)
Everybody bark, everybody howl
Lose yourself in wild barking
We're going to Ba-ark, Howl, Fiesta, forever
Come on and bark along!
We're going to Ba-ark, Howl, Fiesta, forever
Come on and Bark along!

All night long (all night), All night (all night)
All night long (all night), All night (all night)
All night long (all night), All night (all night)
All night long! (all night), Ooh, yeah (all night)

People walking all down my street
See the rhythm all in their feet
Life is good, wild and sweet
Let the barking go on and on...(Bark on, bark on, bark on...)
Feel it in your heart and feel it in your soul
Let the barking take control
We're going to Ba-ark, Howl, Fiesta, forever
Come on and Bark along
We're going to Ba-ark, Howl, Fiesta, forever
Come on and bark along!

Lord Barksalot and King Dooce

I don't understand something. When I bark, and it does not matter the time of day, Brad and/or Julie are on me like orange on The Orange Effer to stop barking. Immediately. I must stop barking or risk severe and harsh punishment. So severe and harsh that it makes me quiver and shake in my boots. I, Howard, risk not getting a treat when I come in the door from outside.

HOWEVER, the barking damn fool next door can bark his fool head off all evening long. He barks and barks and barks and barks and barks and barks and barks and barks and barks and barks and barks and barks and barks and barks and barks and barks and barks and barks and barks until it pisses even me off, and I Howard have the patience of a saint. Quit laughing! I am patient damn you!

Brad and Julie have had it. What should they do? I am seeking your advice for my owners.

In other news, the Dooce Family has another Dooce to ignore and not feed or give fresh water to. The original Dooce got loose and has never been seen again. Godspeed old Dooce. May you be living it up like the King of the Castle you always deserved to be!

Effer World Daily

Sorry. Can't post much today. Busy on Effer Watch hear at Effer World Daily, so I can bring you the latest in Effer News. On the trail/tail of one Orange Effer in particular. That bastard doesn't take me seriously and is requiring more of my special attention.

Water Boy

Brad and Julie have this effer coming to the door every other week. Exsqueeze me? I have to deal with the trauma and stress of hearing him shuffle around outside of my front door, making two or three trips to complete his work, and I HOWARD DO NOT GET TO TASTE OF THE FINE SPRING WATER!!!???

I have just about had it! I tell you, this water effer is worse than the UPS and FEDEX effers combined. He doesn't even have the courtesy to knock and run like the other guys...he just sneaks up and does his work like the sneaky bastard he is.

Gives me a heart attack...

I'm to old for this!

Did Timmy fall in the well?

Lassie and Timmy

Every night I get restless. I need treats. I need fresh water. I need food in my bowl. I need a walk. If one or more of these things are not happening, I throw a little (or big) hissy fit.

Then I start getting comments from Brad and Julie like, "Oh no! Did Timmy fall in the well?" They think this is hilarious. I do not.

If I could speak human, my response would be, "Hell no! I pushed that little effer Timmy into the well!" No offense to the real Timmy...I wouldn't push him into the well, but the hypothetical Timmy would go down.


P.S. No more butt scooting since going back to my old food.

Stink Dog

Julie says I smell like a combination of dirty socks and ass right now. I don't exactly think that is fair.

I happen to have gone on a walk in the rain, and have a little gas issue at the moment. That is what they get for switching my food to name brand junk food, and then back to the good for me expensive stuff.

I was scooting my butt on the floor, and they switched me back to the old food faster than you can say orange effer just fell off the fence!

That would make my day by the way.

So, it is back to bean sprout salad for me, but at least I won't have an itchy butt.

Chill Pills

Chill Pills

Whenever I go outside and come back in, Brad and Julie have me trained like one of Pavlov's dogs to immediately ask for a treat. Or maybe I have them trained like one of Pavlov's dogs? Har har!

Nevertheless, whenever I cannot have one of my delicious meaty treats, I demand one of these precious gems. Since I am such a hyper bastard, my grandpa started calling ice cubes my chill pill and I have to say, he is right. An ice cube is so soothing to me. I lick them, crunch them, and let them refresh my inner beast.

I think Orange Effer could scamper by, and I would just glance his way and give him the, 'what's up' nod as long as there is an ice cube in front of me.

Ice cubes are like doggie Xanax for me.

Oreck Is Not My Friend

DO NOT let this picture fool you! Oreck and I are NOT buddies!!!

I have never been assaulted by the vacuum cleaner, but it is one horrible beast that I will fight until the day I die. I think its name is Oreck, because that is what is plastered all over it. What kind of prick machine needs to have its name all over it? Anyway, Oreck is loud, rude, and demanding of my time. Why, just when I am settling down for a nap in a soft corner, Julie revs the beast up and pushes it around the house, and then I have to get up and show it who is boss.

I'll admit, I dance around and lunge at Oreck like one mean ol' mofo, but it brings out the worst in me. The worst. At least my teeth marks will be on that effer long after I am gone.

Heh. Heh.

It brings out the worst in Julie too, because she thinks she has to scold me. She is so "protective" of Oreck, which quite frankly hurts my feelings. Yes, I do have feelings.

She should be protective of me over Oreck, but she says that Oreck doesn't run after and bite at me like I do him. Huh? Wha? Has she lost her mind? The reason Oreck does not come after me is because I have whipped that effer into submission.

Oooohhh yeah!

Oreck is a wuss, and very very afraid of me.

Chihuahua: A Breed of Barking Rat

Last night I was enjoying my evening walk like I normally like to do, when this freak of nature jumped out at me getting up in my grill like he was going to take me on.

First of all, Chihuahuas should not even be considered a breed of dog. Let's just get that straight. Chihuahuas are rats who happen to bark. Plain and simple.

Secondly, I take craps bigger than most Chihuahuas. How dare this mexican jumping bean hop around me like he is some prize fighter!

Thirdly, I have no beef with taking a chunk out of a little Chihuahua and most Chihuahua owners are, well, how do I put this delicately, high maintenance humans who would freak out and get all emotional and pissy and I just have no tolerance for that.

Here is my advice dear Chihuahua owner: Keep your rat dog's mug out of my grill! Keep them on a short leash when I walk by, and I won't have to bite 'em.

Ceramic Water Bowl

Pure Genius

I don't know what it is, but I just love a refreshing drink out of the ceramic water bowl. Brad and Julie yell at me if THEY forget and leave the lid up. What the H? Do I yell at them when they do their business on my favorite drinking station? Uh, no, I do not. So they should just leave me alone and let me do as I wish. Or...buy me one of these.

Itching Like a Mofo

This is what my current dog food is like.

It is freaking gooooood!

Julie had to work Easter Sunday, and Brad, as usual, waits until the last morsel of my dog food is gone to go out and get me another bag. It is his job...and if I were in charge of giving him a raise, well he would get one this week!!! Whooo boy!

My typical, healthy for older dogs high priced dog food, tastes like a bean sprout salad compared to the cheeseburger and fries taste of the cheap dog food he got for me at the drug store. He also got me a can of wet dog food. It was a scrumptious culinary feast for me yesterday. One that I deserve for being such a shiny coated magnificent bastard.

However, this cheap food makes me itch like Mofo, so it is back to the boring bean sprout salad for me. It sucks to get old.

Fluffy Evilness

I was speechless the other day. Brad made the comment that we should get a bunny for the backyard. Both Julie and I looked at him like he had lost his ever-loving mind.

Could you just imagine what having a white effer like this hopping around in my backyard would do to my sanity?

I would sit by the glass doors for hours, staring out looking for the bunny. All the while he hides from me. Taunting me. Me knowing he knows I am looking for him, and him knowing he holds that power over me. Finally showing his rabbit face at my glass door and laughing at me while I try to lunge at him through the glass, but him knowing that I cannot break through it so he is safe to torture me with his effed up bunny powers.

Bunnies may look cute, but they are evil. Pure evil.