Wake Up Little Snoozy!

Julie took a nap this afternoon, and this is what she saw when she woke up. Sometimes I just sit and stare at Brad or Julie when I want them to wake up. I use my telekinetic powers, and it usually works.

As far as I am concerned, Brad and Julie should get their sleep at NIGHT. The daytime is my time to relax and nap. How can I let my guard down while they are napping? The kitties would take over, Effer would think he is in charge, and that yapping bastard next door would NEVER shut-up.

My job is never done. Being King is not easy. Trust me.

Letter of Concern

Dear Makers of Greenies:

Do you have any idea how disappointed I was to find out that you are now producing my most favorite, delicious treat for KITTIES?!?! Kitties do not deserve such pampering. Kitties are arrogant and unappreciative effers. Why would you even try to please them? They will not appreciate it. Whereas I snatch a Greenie out of my master's hand faster than you can blink, a cat most likely will sniff it and then walk by with their nose in the air. Then they sneak back later and take it. How is that for appreciation?

I am baffled, and this has rocked my world. Treats come few and far between for me, so I take my treats very seriously. I have a bit of a weight issue, and Greenies are my treat of choice to help keep me satisfied, yet not fatter. However, I now will look at my favorite treat and think of kitties, and I HATE kitties.

Will this keep me from eating Greenies? Most likely not, because they are just too damn good, but I'm still disappointed in you.

Sincerely,

Howard

Maintenance Money

How do I manage to look so young and handsome at my advanced age?



I need some "maintenance money" for toys and new dog stuff. An elderly gentleman like me should not have to skimp in any way, and I have been spending some time on the online shoppers paradise that is ShopWiki.com. Say for instance I wanted to replace my Aflac duck with a new plush duck, I just go to ShopWiki.com and search for plush duck dog toy, and you should see some of the choices. Wow! No more Mister Nice Guy for Aflac...I want a new duck.

I also saw a John Deere dog toy that I wouldn't mind having. Now that I'm old, plush toys are my thing. No more hard rubber toys. I'll leave those for the young pups with stronger teeth and bites.

I happen to have a taste for expensive treats like Greenies, and was able to find some reasonable deals on ShopWiki.com. However, the thing that angers me greatly, is that they now make Greenies for cats!!! HOW DARE THEY TAKE SUCH A DELICIOUS DOG TREAT AND MAKE IT INTO A TREAT FOR CATS. Kitties do not deserve delicious treats. After this blog I shall compose a letter to the makers of Greenies to reconsider their feline products.

Evidently greed knows no bounds.

Humble Pie a la Effer

Tonight the neighbor dog had a lot of issues to get off of his chest. He went on and on and on, until I had a headache. I mean, when I speak, it is for serious business. I don't just sit around and yip and yap until I'm blue in the face.

Sure, I may let it rip at 3 a.m. when a kitty sashays past my fence, and give Brad and Julie a heart attack, but they're just lucky to have a watchdog like me.

This guy just gripped about one thing after another. His owners weren't home, and he spilled all the dirty laundry. Just laid it out for all the neighborhood dogs so we'd feel sorry for him. Evidently his owners are lazy bastards who do not leave ice cubes in his water bowl for him, never take him for car rides, and feed him crap, off brand dog food.

I was almost feeling sorry for him, until...

Effer told him to shut his big fat pie hole.

Then there was silence.

Haven't heard from him since.

Effer fed him a big slice of Humble Pie.

Rule the School

I need a new collar. A handsome devil like me deserves to look good.



As I was on my evening walk with Brad, this lady stops us and says to Brad, "I don't know what it is about your dog, but my dog just goes crazy when he sees him!"

What is it about other dogs that makes them lose their minds in my presence?

Do they want to fight me?

Why is fighting always the first thing on my mind? Maybe the little effers just wanted to be my friends, but I'll never know because I CANNOT AND WILL NOT BACK DOWN FROM BEING THE TOP DOG.

That is why a place like doggy day care would NEVER work for me. Not in a million years. I would be kicked out the first 10 minutes and asked to never return. You should have seen me in obedience school. I wasn't necessarily at the head of the class, but you can bet your puppy chow that the other dogs respected me. Even as a young puppy, happy and free, I still had a commanding presence.

Let me take you back in time for a moment...

Just picture me driving up in the white truck with Brad...my ears flopping in the breeze. As I get closer, the other puppies heads whip around and start to whisper to each other, "There is Howie...he is such a stud." I deftly jump out of the truck and run over to meet my peeps, and they all roll over on their backs to show their respect for me. But then, there is always one who must challenge me, and must be corrected by me. I fight him. Brad pulls me off by my tail, but that dog now knows that he cannot get me to back down. Another one fears me. I, Howard, rule the school.

Don't tell Brad, but I did learn a few things there. He's the only one who has ever been able to dominate me and get away with it. So if you are looking to get a puppy, or already have one, I highly recommend obedience school. I would be a hot mess without it.

Payback

Mid shake!



I got even with Brad this morning. At 3 a.m. I barked like it was an effing emergency, and as far as I'm concerned kitties in my backyard is an effing emergency. Evidently Brad and I do not agree as to what is and what is not an emergency at 3 a.m.

I woke him up out of a dead sleep.

He was pissed.

Ooops.

Maybe he will think twice next time he fake throws me?

Pretend Throw

Aflac ate all my food. Get me some more food dammit!



I am speechless.

This morning Brad lets me out at 6:30 a.m., and I am enjoying the nice cool breeze and sniffing around taking my sweet ass time. I am conveniently ignoring Brad's demands to come back in the house pretending like I am hard of hearing. Evidently Brad is not in the mood to let me take my sweet ass time, so what does he do? He tells me, "Julie's home!" and suddenly my hearing becomes sharp and keen, and I trot into the house all kinds of excited to see Julie and...

She is not home.

He fooled me!

That was worse than pretend throwing a ball!!!

He will pay for this today...oh yes...he will pay.

Nothin' Like a Good Fight!

Maybe peoples who are afraid of snakes should not take vacations to the desert?

Anywho...

I got in trouble this morning. Call it passive aggressive punishment, or whatever you will, but I was ready to start the day at 7 a.m. My owners were not. I do not think you should have jet lag between California and Arizona, especially for two days.

I was restless this morning, and in need of a good fight through the fence. Pepe Le Pew next door was obviously in the same damn mood, because as soon as he caught my whiff in the air it was on. Oh yeah, it was on! I went at it like white on rice, and was having a good ol' time until Brad marched over to me and pointed toward the house and looked at me like I had lost my mind and forgotten the five weeks with an e collar, and the $550 it took to repair my ear.

Oops.

My bad.

Bad Day

Aflac Fears for His Very Life!

Sometimes I just wake-up in the wrong damn side of the bed. Old men do this more frequently as they age. It usually happens on a day that my FOOD DOES NOT END UP IN MY BOWL IN A TIMELY MANNER, because some vacationing fools think they should sleep in after long drive.

I.
Don't.
Think.
So.

Did I ask them to go on vacation without me? Let me check...

Looks like I did not.

Long Live Aflac

This is who I had...

keeping me company for 3 days and 2 nights.

Brad and Julie LEFT ME AT HOME ALONE while they went on a vacation. Now, before I make them look like neglectful dog owners, like Effer's owners, I must say they made excellent arrangements for me. I got to stay in my own home, while my grandma, who calls me her granddog, came and visited and watered, fed, and walked me throughout the days.

That, however, does not excuse Aflac sitting in my bowl. WTF? What the feather? I mean, do they expect me to murder my fluffy stuffed duck and eat that instead of my old man Science Diet food? I don't think so. I'm a big guy. I need real food. I deserve real food.

Speaking of being a big guy...someone I haven't seen in 8 or so years saw me tonight and said, "Jeez, Howard is HUUUUGGGGGGGGEEEE." Was he calling me fat?

So help me.

I need a vacation.

I deserve a vacation.

Where shall I go?